The need to be right vs. stopping to smell the roses

In life we learn new things every day - it is one of the beautiful truths of our experience. We see and feel and experience inspiration from the people and plants and animals of the earth all around us and we learn from them. That is how we learned everything we know and it continues until we take our last breath. None of us are finished learning - right? Let’s remember to stop and smell the roses as the old saying goes: let’s pause and take a deep breath and express gratitude for all the beautiful people and things around us. Let’s recognize some of the things that we might not have seen or experienced or even noticed before.

I believe that our capacity for learning and experiencing new things goes hand in hand with gratitude. Every day we comprehend more complicated truths than we had before. All the while, our capacity to learn and to expand and experience life most fully is directly linked to our desire for greater love and freedom. Our thriving in life and our happiness and contentment is all amplified by our gratitude for it.

Conversely, our ego tries to protect us and tell us that we already know everything that we need to know. This perspective diverts from our gratitude and creates a situation where one part of us feels that we “should” already know everything we need to know and if not, then we are an idiot. Continuing down the path of this perspective, the ego does not want us to feel like an idiot, so with a touch of fear it continues to try to convince us that we are right. We must be right or else we are a fool or are flawed in some way. Without gratitude we can become convinced that since we are not perfect or strong enough or smart enough or attractive enough or wealthy enough then we are doomed to failure and will be found inadequate and unlovable. Yuck!!! Let’s recognize that everyone does this sometimes and it’s not helping!

Okay, so in my books I describe the ego as a safety net, which helps keep us from going too low in our estimation of ourselves. That’s a healthy thing and it protects us by reinforcing our fundamental self esteem. The real problem is that it’s a sticky net, and it tends to keep us stuck and unable to go higher in life and in our relationships than we naturally could.

Here is an example:

We all understand that the ability to laugh at ourselves is an endearing quality; it gives us a glimpse of the internal state of a person and we feel safe around someone who is not judging themselves too harshly…right? It can help inspire us to not judge ourselves and it’s an indication that this person is being honest and might be safe and trustworthy. They might be able to hold space for us to safely express our truths and our silly side and help us feel better about ourselves. It’s a rare thing and if it feels good to be around them then we often seek to build more of a connection with them.

Conversely, the need to be right, or trying to be perfect is simply created by our own fear that we are not smart enough or good enough. The ego keeps us from being able to laugh at ourselves for misunderstanding something or for making a silly mistake while keeping us from learning new things. The ego keeps us from being able to admit we are human, and are perfectly imperfect just as we are. We tend to hide the tender and silly parts of ourselves, and we hold back some of our truths. Sadly, when we get stuck in the ego and constantly judging ourselves, we are less able to build connection and cultivate intimacy with others. It’s a form of being dishonest with ourselves, and it limits our capacity to relate honesty with others. Relationships are built on trust. We might be an honest person, yet under the influence of the ego, we are not being honest with ourselves. When we are stuck in the safety net of the ego we run the risk of being misunderstood and are often perceived as less trustable.

So, the overactive ego leads us away from the path with heart and cuts us off from gratitude and love. The ego is fueled by fear and under the influence of fear we humans tend to stray from the truths and the honesty in our hearts. As human beings we are all loving and capable at our core. We all have the capacity to step out of the safety net of the ego and build healthy connection with others. To step out of fear and back into our natural state of love.

My goal is to help us all to be more okay with ourselves and our place in the world. In this way we can remove many of the hidden barriers to building connection and our sense of village with others. We are not alone in this world and it takes a village to cultivate happy and fulfilling lives. Cultivating our village in a critical step in creating intimacy and healthy relationships with others.

Our village is where we share our gifts help each other get all of our needs met. It’s where we share ideas and insights and inspire each other to be our best in service of something bigger than ourselves. It provides the nourishment and wellness we need in order to be truly okay and at peace with ourselves. Our village provides the foundation and support we need in order to get clear on our bigger purpose in life. It may be to go on our hero’s journey and slay the dragon, or to start a new business to help improve the lives of others. Our gratitude for the love we have received guides us to our authentic expression. Our village helps us thrive and create more love and freedom in our lives, in our relationships, and in the world.

When we build consciousness our village we start to recognize that we don’t have to do everything ourselves. We don’t need to be perfect or right all the time. Helping others and holding space for them helps us grow and to build healthy connections.

From this place of supportive connection we have the opportunity to cultivate our “presence” which is the peaceful embodiment of our wellness. Where we are okay with ourselves and are confident to stand as an honest person of integrity for all the world to see. We remain openhearted and open minded to experience and share, and receive love and nourishment and affection through gratitude for our lives in this world of abundance.

I posted link to a very insightful interview on my website with the women from amp on the The New Man podcast. Shana James describes how, as a woman with a strong feminine essence, when she is around a man who has cultivated his presence, something in her body relaxes. She is describing how when we have cultivated our presence we broadcast a sense of truth and wellness and safety, which emanates from our body and is detected by those around us. The embodiment of our trustability is detected; the sense of calmness is silently expressed that we are okay and that things are okay around us.

Conversely, our anxious state is not trustable. Anxiety is actually contagious and can be a barrier to building connection with others. When we are anxious we tend to communicate signals through our body language that we are hiding something or we are not okay with ourselves. Others interpret these signals and are repulsed - it’s an indication that we want something from them or that we don’t feel good enough and are seeking approval.

Following the steps that I have laid our here and in my books we can all develop our wellness and reduce our anxiety. Peacefulness and presence is the opposite of anxiety. When we are peaceful and present we communicate signals through our body language that we are okay with ourselves and our place in the world. Others interpret these signals and are often attracted to our presence - it’s an indicator of our trustability and that we are not judging others or needing anything from them.

Our peacefulness transmits an indication of safety, and it creates the opportunity for others to connect with us. As we develop our presence, we notice that others begin to show more obvious signs of interest. Our body is giving their body a signal that we are safe and others recognizes that we might have the capacity to hold space for them to express themselves. They might be able to express their authentic truth in an intimate or professional relationship with someone so honest and trustable.

I hope to inspire us all to do the work on ourselves in this way, following the coursework I share in my books. I provide the tools and insights to revise our internal sense of adequacy and lovability and to recognize that we are okay and lovable just as we are. We can all step into our authentic expression and thrive in the world of love and abundance.

As summarized above, fundamentally, I believe that we all seek to relate to those who are okay with themselves and their place in the world. We all know those who need to be right and we understand because we have felt that need inside too. We understand that there are sensitive parts inside which we are protecting though needing to appear perfect, or needing to be right. This is simply one of the masks that our ego suggests we should wear when we are afraid, and we feel disconnected from the support and understanding of others.

Let’s recognize that sometimes we get stuck in the safety net of the ego, and we have the opportunity to step out of it. We become anxious and fearful because the ego is limiting our ability to express ourselves authentically; to be okay with ourselves. The ego is limiting our capacity to cultivate intimacy and trust with others.

Let’s also consider that our gratitude plays a role in our wellness; not only by recognizing how fortunate we are and helping us live more completely, but it helps us step out of our personal drama and into our authentic expression through service to something bigger than ourselves. This stokes our wellness and our self esteem and creates the foundation for rewarding connections with others in love most honestly.

Good work! Please visit my website where you can download my books or schedule a free half hour coaching session. If you receive something of value please consider making a donation to support my efforts. Thank you, Joe

https://lovecoachjoe.com